The more I thought about how to recap my 2023, the more I started to feel queasy about it.
Why do we do this at all? Encapsulate our experiences over periods of time to define something? I don’t necessarily need a year to pass to do it, because I’m engaged in constant fervor of self-analysis. I TOTALLY understand the importance of it though. All I’m saying is that certain years maintain more reflection than others.
For those who know me well, I don’t assign a personal ‘word of the year’ at the outset. I assign it at the end, based on how the year ACTUALLY transpired. My word for 2022 was ‘mutate.’
The title of this post suggests oblivion, and it’s very true. I spent the year in a giant freaking FOG of oblivion in the most necessary way possible. The most absolute way I needed to in order to understand things I never understood before. Or maybe, if I’m being completely, painfully honest - things I refused to understand before. Which leads us to my word of the year:
Oblivion —> Processing —--> Exit
You might be wondering, isn’t the word similar to the idea of ‘letting go?’ Blah, and NO. Letting go is possibly the most sluggish form of an exit. It denotes present tense, an ongoing release that’s never ending. Most of all, it’s a story you’re insisting on holding on to for a little while longer until you’re ready.
I didn’t want to keep giving myself time to be ready, because I’ve been so, so SICK of everything.
When you drive out of that previously mentioned dense fog, it’s over. EXIT.
I decided to EXIT a tumultuous, difficult, friendship dating back to my youth. Which oddly lead to a whole spectrum of other relationship EXITS.
I decided to EXIT being the sole problem-solver of my family.
I decided to EXIT a dayjob that provided no certainty. With no clue of what would happen next.
Bear with me on this one - I decided to EXIT my presumption of becoming an artist as something impulsive and spontaneous - a story I kept alive in order to invalidate myself. I was deep, deep in oblivion when this struck me.
A client relationship that wasn’t beneficial despite the money? EXIT
Cooking mainstream dishes that I was tired of but kept making on autopilot? EXIT
A fixed daily routine, EXIT.
You get the picture.
And so, the best thing about this year: I now have solid practice in instantly recognizing, and dropping shit that doesn’t need to be in my life. No oblivion or processing required.
When major chapters or phases in life end, it takes a while for anything to feel real again. And when you’ve been an adult long enough, this, as F. Scott Fitzgerald would put it - ‘unreality’ normalizes itself, somehow, I don’t know how. It’s not until you’ve been triggered into self-audit, by incident, that change is forced. Exit.
To paraphrase a line by St Edna Vincent Millay, ‘who told me time would ease me of my pain?’
Because it’s what we’re doing with it that leads to ease.
Staying in oblivion too long is just not possible.
Because the world can be much too beautiful, despite everything, than we will ever give it credit for.
I got to design a sticker sheet for Forest Park:
I got to illustrate portraits of noted females over at my wonderful friend, Ellen Vrana’s illustrious blog - The Examined Life
I got to do really cool things with my favorite person, Allie, for our art collective, Reaching for Pink. I also watched Allie accomplish and grow so much this year.
I got to work with Pioneer Square again for its ongoing revival campaign for downtown Portland.
I landed a project from overseas, still in the works. More on this next year.
I watched my best friend Julie finish working on her second novel (her first work, Juniper Lemon’s Happiness Index, published under Kathy Dawson Books, an imprint of Penguin, is available worldwide).
My relationship with local/chosen family evolved to a level I never thought possible.
I got featured in a magazine.
Got my shit finally together with a website and portfolio. Why do I do things backwards? LOL???!!! Major gratitude for those of you who held me accountable.
Completely immersed myself in an oil pastel journey.
And finished the first draft of my graphic memoir, Can I Stay Here?
That seriously enough for now,
Natasha (makes a temporary exit)
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